Kogen

Kogen,an African American man, born in chicago, but moved out to Southern California and raised in Lynwood, very close to where I was raised in Long Beach, is a man who I came to know well while I volunteered at San Quentin. In the fifteen years he has been there he has become a devout Buddhist and was the inside coordinator of the Haitian Benefit and I was the outside coordinator. I will write about that later. The reason it came about was he approached me and told me of the desire of many inmates to do something to help the Haitian people. We together came up with the acronym Q.U.A.K.E which stands for Quentin United for Aid Kindness and Empathy for Haiti. I know his story very well and it deserves to be read and heard. For me, this one case points out all the inequities of our judicial system. For sure, and most people do know this there is not an equal field, if you are poor and a person of color, your chances of getting a fair trial are far different than if you are white or at least if you have enough money for a good lawyer. If anyone out there happens to read this and is a lawyer who can help him please contact me at suzala20@gmail.com, As I have said before one of the many things I learned from my volunteer work at San Quentin was men can either fall to the bottom of rise to the top and choose to become both rehabilitated, by their own work, and in the process become enlightened. Kogen is enlightened. He has spent many of his years at San Quentin working with young people to try and get them away from the gang mentality that is very prevalent. He did this also when he was on the outside.

He started out his life in a home with three other brothers and a sister. He was the second oldest in the family. There was a lot of fighting between his parents, a lot of chaos and abuse. His father is an alcoholic and was very abusive to his sons when they were young. Kogen did get in trouble as a teenager and spent time in the CYA. Although Kogen has forgiven, I can still hear the hesitation in his voice when he talks of him. When I spoke to him about this he told me it was not because of the drinking or the abuse, it was because he loved and looked up to his father so much. His father was his hero, but once he started drinking his father changed dramatically. His Buddhist practice has helped him in this area and many other areas as well. It is not easy to endure being a life prisoner, but he does it well. His easy and often laughter is a joy to hear. We met in a year long class called the TRUST. The acronym stands for Teaching Responsibility Using Sociological Techniques. His comments and observations added a great deal to the class, and I could easily see how intelligent he was.

When he was about 27 he was working with young people as a counselor. The night he was to be rewarded for his endeavors was the night he made the biggest mistake of his life. On the way to the ceremony, he let a friend talk him into pulling a quick robbery. After they held the man up, both unarmed, Kogen ran away. The young man he was with also ran away but returned to find the man and for unknown reasons moved the man, and even if it is only a few feet, it is still considered kidnap, and carries a life sentence. Now, here is the irony, the young man who went back and moved the man was found not guilty and even though Kogen was not there at the time the man was moved, he was given a life sentence. He has spent the last 15 years first at Avenal State Prison and then was transferred to San Quentin. All I can surmise is the his friend become a witness for the prosecution and Kogen became the victim. This may not be true it all, its just the only thing I can figure. This is a story so unbelievable that if I didn't know it to be true, I would never believe that something like this could happen. I am gathering all his materials on this case and pray that I will find a lawyer who can help me with it. He has so much potential and has worked so hard on himself. I do have the feeling that he was always a good person, but got caught up in the wrong things like many young people growing up where he did. I think the world of him and know that if released he has so much to offer. I will do everything to get him that chance. At the benefit for Haiti he asked me to speak for him. He asked me to say that when you are raised in ignorance and you do not see the light, you act in ways that are ignorant. Since he has been incarcerated he has seen the light and will never turn away from it. As I will say many times over I am honored to know him. I pray that he gets the chance he so deserves to be a law abiding and productive citizen of this society. He wants to be a film maker and has learned a great deal about it at San Quentin. He has filmed many people who have come in, Michael Franti, Van Jones and Dave Eggers among others. He participates in the San Quentin Film School and is working on his own screen play. He is dedicated to changing the tide of violence among young African American men. The last time he came up for parole, even the Warden, William Ayers, wrote a letter on his behalf. He was still denied parole! I am grateful to him on a personal level. He got me to understand Shakespeare. I have never either particularly liked Shakespeare or understood him. Here is the sonnet he sent me which changed my mind. It made me cry. Shakespeare' Sonnet Number 29


"When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes
I all alone bemoan my outcast state
And trouble deaf Heaven with my bootless cries,
and look upon myself and curse my fate.
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope.
Featured like him, like him with friends possessed.
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope.
With what I most enjoy contented less.
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee- and then my state
(Like the Lark at break of day arising from sullen earth)
Sings hymns at Heaven's Gate
For thy sweet love remembered such love brings,
that then I scorn to change my state with kings"

movie critic

It has been months since I have posted anything, but there are a couple of things I would like to write about. One I am going to be published! In the San Quentin News I am the outside eyes for the men. My first column compared the"Blind Side" to "Precious". I had some real issues with the "Blind Side" and thought "Precious" was the best movie of the year. I will paste my review on here.
SISTER SUZI SPEAKS(About Movies)

I feel honored to write a column about movies. It is something I have always wanted to do so it is a dream come true for me.

My love of movies started as a very young child. Movies have always been my favorite art form. They have an effect much deeper than most people realize or are even aware of. They shape our lives and our culture. They have and can be used for propaganda as Joseph Goebbels, Hitler’s minister of propaganda was very aware of. Lennie Riefenstahal’s documentary about the 1936 Olympics, Olympiad is a perfect example. Think of common phrases that are based on movies….”He made me an offer I couldn’t refuse”, “Go ahead, make my day.” It has always been a source of contention for me when people think movies are simply entertainment. They are so much deeper than that. They are a powerful art form.

Since I was twelve, I have sat transfixed by the TV writing down the winners of the Oscars—although I don’t think the best movies or actors always win. In fact, if Sandra Bullock wins this year for the Blind Side I will probably throw one of my shoes at the TV. Which brings me to what I want to write about.

Now I will acknowledge my biases and I will never say I am objective. What I wish to write about is my opinion and perception about the films this year. Since most of you have not seen these movies, I will be your “outside eyes”.

The two films I want to discuss in this column are Precious and The Blind Side. The Blind Side is “loosely” based on the story of Michael Orr who now plays for the Baltimore Ravens. Precious is based on the book Push by Saphire. They are both nominated for best movie and Sandra Bullock and Gabourey Sidibe are both nominated for Best Actress.

The Blind Side is the story of a young African American man who somehow gets into a very exclusive all white school in Tennessee. He comes from a very impoverished background. He was taken away at a young age from his crack addict mother and what happens to him after that is not really explained. He is very large for his age and completely out of place at this school. In
“typical” Hollywood fashion he is taken in by a white Republican NRA couple played by Sandra Bullock and Tug McGraw. Somehow he has very little adjustment to make and magically becomes an excellent fooball player, student and cherished member of the family. He goes on to play at “Ole Miss” and gets drafted into the NFL. As I was watching the movie I felt a growing knot of anger in my stomach. Everything was so sugar-coated it was offensive. The scene that offended me the most was one where Sandra Bullock goes back to the projects where he grew up to look for him because he has run away from home. Dressed in a skintight dress and stiletto heels,she approaches a group of young African American men. She asks them if they have seen “Big Mike”. Their answer: “No, but if you find him, tell him we want to put a cap up his a…, bitch…” She walks a few steps away, returns and says “I am a card carrying member of the NRA and I’m fully packed, bitch.” And casually walks away. Pure Hollywood pap.

Precious was one of my favorite movies of the year. It was brutally rough, hard and sometimes difficult to watch, but the emotions were real. Gabourey Sibide plays a teenage girl with two young children, by her father, struggling to figure out her life. Both parents abused her sexually but her mother, played by M’onique, abused her physically and psychologically as well. Even so, she has the spirit to want to do better. She finally gets a chance. She goes to a continuation school with other dropouts and is encouraged by her teacher to write about her life. She slowly makes some friends and she slowly begins to acknowledge and recognize her own worth. She is helped not only by her teacher, but also by her social worker, played by an almost unrecognizable Mariah Carey. It is a movie about triumph over almost unbelievable odds and a story about hope. There were times I had to look away, it was so rough. But I don’t know how anyone who saw it would not be moved. The performances were flawless. It was an example of how good movie making can be.

They were both stories about triumph over adversity, but one was genuine and one was a fairy tale.

Until next time, my blessings to you all……

Also along with the men of San Quentin on April 17th I am doing a BENEFIT for Haiti along with the men of San Quentin who are donating books art and crafts. I will post the flyer. I have had wonderful donations from the outside community. Michael Franti sent me a book. Each page is like a record sleeve and holds a record in it. Most generous. I am hosting it so we shall see. All proceeds will go to cleanwater.org partnersinhealth.org and doctorswithoutborders. Jose Neto, a fabulous Brazilian Guitarist will be playing. He is Steve Winwood's guitarist as well as having his own band. It is going to be a great event.













nefit

More about Patti 2

For the next ten years we ran Bedrock Music together. We worked together, three or four days a week, and on our off time we spent in the hills walking our beloved dogs. I believe, that Patti loved dogs more than people with the exception of me. Even if that isn't totally true, I know she loved and trusted me completely as I did her. In fact I told her more about myself than I have ever revealed to anyone and I think she did the same. Her mom told me how Patti as a child could not stand to see an animal hurt in any way. She used to carry dead birds home and bury them in her back yard. We once went to see the documentary "The Parrots of Telegraph Hill" There are a flock of wild parrots that live in San Francisco and this was a documentary about a man who cared for them. There was a scene of a hawk, swooping down, to capture and kill one. I looked over at Patti who had dissolved into tears. That was the kind of heart she had about animals. I do not, however, want to give you the wrong impression about her, she was also the strongest woman, and the most psychologically healthy woman I have ever known. She had the ability to both cut through the bullshit to get to the heart of the matter and then offer her deep compassionate heart to help. She could be tough when she had to be and to get through four surgeries and three rounds of chemotherapy with no complaining showed how strong she could be. She handled everything with a grace unknown to most. She shaped my life in ways she could not have known and touched my heart and soul just as deeply. When I used to go over to be with her when she was terminally ill, she would say, "Everyone will do fine without me, but I am the most worried about you. It is as though we have shared a soul this lifetime and it is being torn in two." She could not have been more correct. She died reaching out to me and I washed her body and waited until they came to take her. Three days later I went with her body to be cremated. I just didn't want her to be alone. She would have done the same for me. She was more than a blessing to me, she was my other half. Our edges joined up perfectly. Its been almost three years since she died, but not a day goes by where I am not reminded of her in some wonderful way. Everyone should be as lucky!

For My Patti

"I've been traveling down this river,so many rocks pop up in my sight. I got to make some quick decisions should I go left or should I go right. I pray for guidance and protection to keep my boat water tight. And I know if I just keep on believing every little thing all gonna turn out right. But when I wake up in the morning I hope I see you in the light.... and the loveliness and tenderness and happiness and togetherness and openness. When vampires gather round me angling in to take a bite. They want to drink my blood of courage and try to take away my fight But no no no they can't do that for one truth I learned in life if you want to scare away the vampires you simply take them into the light. And when my time is over I did some right I did some wrong. Call my name to kingdom come and spread my wings in flight and I hope that when my day is over I hope I see you in the light. In the mornin, in the mornin your loveliness, tenderness, hopefulness,and your happiness. Michael Franti "See You In the Light"Even while Patti was still alive we knew the importance of this song. It you don't know Michael Franti It is on his CD "Yell Fire" It was the first song I played at Patti's memorial service. Its not easy to write about your closest friend, your sister and the person who impacted your life more than any other, but I would like to try. The original founder and owner of Bedrock Music in San Rafael was Barry Baum. He and I were best friends, we spent a lot of time together going to movies, concerts and trivia nights at the Mayflower Pub in San Rafael. Naturally out team was called the Bedrockers. We loved each other very much, but it was not a romance,which in my experience has been kind of an unusual. We went together to see the movie "When Harry met Sally". There was a part in the movie where Billy Crystal says to Meg Ryan "When men and women are friends, what it means is the man does not find her attractive" We had a good laugh over that line. In 1996, when Barry was 39, he was diagnosed with colon cancer. He asked me if I could work in the store while he was in the hospital. I worked there with five other men who often asked me to fill in for them when they wanted to follow the Grateful Dead. I loved working in the store. I thought I knew a lot about music but I learned so much more and ended up working there for twelve years. I took Barry for his chemo treatments and visited him almost daily. His parents used to call me the "Day Angel" and said there was also a "Night Angel", but I had no idea who that person was. One Saturday I stopped by to see him and there was a beautiful woman in the hospital bed with him. They were eating pizza and watching a DVD. I found her charming. That was the beginning of my 12 year long friendship with Patti which changed both of our lives in ways we could never imagine. It was the most loving, the most important and the best relationship of both our lives. We were more like sisters than friends. And in the end I was able to help her die at home with what I hope was a little more peace that she might have had. She died reaching out to me. She had more grace, integrity and love than anyone I have ever known. She died January 16 2007. Her death was devastating to me and I am so grateful that I am finally able to look back at our relationship with joy and laughter, rather than a gut wrenching grief. Patti and Barry only shared 16 months together. I went with them to Tahoe when they got married. She loved him so much. She was 43 and Barry was her only husband. They got married in September and he died in January. She loved him, took care of him and helped him die at home. She gave me so much credit for helping her in every way. I once read a letter she wrote to an inmate at San Quentin who she visited on Sundays. It was the story of our friendship called "Sisters" and she wrote about how I used to douse her pillow with lavender oil to comfort her and help her sleep I have no memory of this at all, I only remember being so worried about how thin and frail she was. Her parents who came from Michigan to help her, stayed for a week after Barry died, then she asked them to leave. He had left her the music store and she wanted to get started. She walked in a week after he died and fired every employee except for me and Tony Palmer. For the next ten years we three ran the store. She was smart, a good businesswoman with a basic knowledge of music. She actually managed the store better than Barry, but he did know more about music. She was, however, a quick learner. One day I was helping a customer when she came up and asked me who did the theme from "Hawaii 5-0. I nonchalantly told her "The Ventures". When I turned around to ask her something she was gone, and she didn't return for three hours When she came back as only Patti could say it she said "I have no business running a music store I don't know anything about music." My heart just filled, as it always did, with love for her.

More about Darell

Just a post script to my story about Darrell. I asked him is when he and his father were cell mates did he finally get to know him, which is what he wanted all along to know and be accepted by his dad. He answered "no". Good night my friend who doesn't know he has any softness in his heart. I believe in you and believe you do! Have a good night....

I spoke to the editor of Marin Magazine and we are going to get together next week to discuss a talk about the possibility of his magazine doing a story about the positive side of San Quentin. There is a huge positive side and great journalistic potential.

Tonight's story from the "Q" is about Darrell. Darrell grew up in Oakland, without really knowing his father. He was raised by his mother. His mother had relationships that were abusive and violent so he saw a lot of negativity and violence while growing up. He also felt helpless when he was young to intervene when his mother was being physically assaulted by her boyfriends. This was very hard for him to deal with. In spite of it he was a really good kid, got good grades played sports and by the time he was 19 he had his own carpet cleaning business and was doing very well. His father came back into his life at this time and Darrell was so anxious to have a relationship with him he let him talk him into robbing a bank. Darrell had never been in any trouble before. When they robbed the bank a teller was moved from her post inside the bank to the outside. Darrell and his father were charged with robbery and kidnap and were both given a life sentences. Before coming to San Quentin, he spent time with his father as a cellmate in Pelican Bay a level four prison and one of the worst prisons in California. He invited me to attend the SQUIRES program. He has been very active in this program as well as many other programs such as the T.R.U.S.T, an acronym for "teaching responsibility using sociological techniques". It is a year long program where men look deeply into their own lives and also have the opportunity to learn practical things that will help them when they are released. He also is involved in the I.M.P.A.C.T programs which stands for "immature men putting away childish things". The S.Q.U.I.R.E.S program is designed to help at risk kids to understand that there is nothing cool about being in a gang activity or being in prison. A segment of the Dr.Phil program was filmed with two young men brought into San Quentin because of their habitual crimes and drug habits. Young men are brought in for a two day intensive counseling program to both help them get more in touch with their own feelings as well as understand that being in jail is not something they should aspire too. I was very impressed with the program when I went through. I was impressed with the men's skills at breaking down the barriers and defenses the young men had and getting them to talk. He invited to attend the Protestant Chapel with him which I did for three years. He was also in my Positive Attitude Group for life prisoners. He has worked very hard while he has been down to both keep a positive attitude and be a member of many self help groups. On Sundays he often preaches and he is a wonderful speaker, he speaks to his own experience and what he learned as part of his own transformation. He has both self confidence and a great attitude. His honesty and courage are well known at San Quentin. I learned one thing about him while I was there if you ask him a question expect a direct and honest answer. I personally find that to be a wonderful attribute. He continues to be denied parole, even though he has never been in any trouble while he has been there and some of his ideas are being incorporated into youth programs outside. I don't know how he does it but stays positive about his release. I feel he will be released and when he is will contribute a great deal to our society. He tutors young men in both their classes and their spiritual lives. He lives a very spiritual life. It is my opinion that a man, imprisoned, has the opportunity to either sink to the lowest level or rise to the highest. He has risen to the highest! I feel blessed to know him.

A note on a cool CD its a first release for a half Irish and half Nigerian soul singer named Laura Ibizio. She is very soulful, a little like India Arie. My prayers and blessings go out to all of you and special prayers for the "Men of Blue." You are in my heart.

Two things happened today that made me very happy! Two Fairfax film makers, twin brothers. Noah and Logan Miller contacted me to let me know they would be willing to go into San Quentin and talk to the San Quentin Film School. Seven men participated in the program where they learned the techniques of film making and each made a film. The film school was featured on the Discovery Channel and the mens' films were shown. Noah and Logan are exceptional young men for many reasons. They not only got a movie made, they also wrote a book, which I highly recommend called "You''re either in or in the way. They grew up in Fairfax under not the most ideal circumstances. Their dad was an alcoholic and their mother worked very hard to support them working as a waitress and a gardener.. They are gifted athletes who had dreams of playing the majors. They are identical twins. You can read much more about them if you go to their website www.inorintheway.com. Because of their grit and persistence with no financial backing they were able to get the film made but got Ed Harris to play the part of their father in their movie. The name of their movie is "Touching Home" and it was a tribute to their father. After living homeless, having countless arrests for alcohol related misdemeanors, he died in the Marin County Jail. The two young men promised they would make a movie about him. This promise started on an amazing journey, which they describe in their book I have known them for many years. They love our mutual home town of Fairfax as much as I do. I called them to see if they would be willing to go into San Quentin and talk to the men. Their are several men in there who are technically skilled filmmakers but Noah and Logan will be able to give some great advice and help. When I approached going there they could not have been more willing. Their movie was premiered at the Rafael theater in San Rafael to a sold out audience of friends, family and supporters. It was also shown at 3 Com Park in San Francisco. I always tell them I am their biggest fan! Their expertise and experience will be of such value to the men of the Q. The other good news is that the editor of Marin Magazine in a response to the letter I wrote him about the win win situation of selling San Quentin called and wants to do an article about San Quentin for Marin Magazine. I am looking forward to talking to him, and getting out some positive information about the men who I have worked with at San Quentin. Tonight I would like to write from my future book, (if I ever write it) "Stories from the Q: Stories of Hope, Courage and Inspiration>" I have never met anyone who goes into San Quentin who doesn't feel the same as I do that they gain much more from the experience than they could ever give.Someone I would like to write about tonight was a member of the Positive Attitude for Life Prisoners which I was a co- -facilitator. one night This group was based on the principles and attitudes of the Center for Attitudinal Healing founded by Gerald Jamplosky. We started each group by reading those principles and attitudes, went around the circle for a quick check in and then it was open time. The group provided a safe place for men to share their feelings and concerns. When a man spoke during open time, no one was allowed to either interrupt him or offer advice. It was a wonderful place to learn about being a good listener. One night a man broke down and talked about his loneliness and despair. I cried right along with him. I was so moved by what he had shared, I spoke to my best friend, Patti, who, because of her compassionate heart, thought would make a wonderful visitor for him. Patti and I ran a music store together for ten years and I have never felt closer to anyone than her. The next day I spoke to her about the possibility of visiting my friend and after they exchanged letters and she was cleared to visit, she visited him up until the time she was so weak, I had to practically carry her from the visiting room to the car. That was in November 2006, she died of ovarian cancer in January of 2007. Her light and love changed his life. Although he was and still is devastated by her death, she opened his broken heart and helped him heal. He speaks about her to as many groups at San Quentin as he can and lets me know how grateful he is for sending him "an angel". Before Patti came into his life he was reclusive and angry. He came to San Francisco from Mississippi and was so country that his nickname was "sho enuf". He got into a bar room fight. The man hit his head on the floor and died. The first trial ended in a hung jury, but the second one found him guilty. He has been "down" for 27 years. His willingness to come to the positive attitude group and to express is deepest heart is beautiful. I am grateful to know him. I would like to share a letter I received from. It meant a lot to me:

My True Friend Suzi,

If I could have any friend in the world that I wanted, I would pick you. Now let me tell you why! It is because you are something special and very caring. You chose to be friend when there was no one else. And then you gave me Patti. Thoughts of her have no ending. I can't think about her without thinking of you. You are what Patti and I had in common. I hope you have been receiving my letters. Instead of always writing you about doom and gloom, I have been having these wonderful thoughts lately and I just wanted to share them with you. I hope you like the card I had made for you, because this is exactly how I feel about you. ( The card says "What a friend I Have in You." I've been experiencing a lot of joy lately about you and Patti. When people ask me about the heart you gave me, I show them a picture of you and Patti. I hope you don't mind. You two are such beautiful people it just fill me with pride and joy to say "these two women are my friends." Even though Patti is no longer here with us in body, just knowing her and having her visit me gives me "braggin rights". Whenever Patti and I got together we always talked about you. How buff you are and your tattoos. I saw that you had Patti's name tattooed on your arm. She and I loved you so much. Before I run out of space I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you constantly and I am so proud that you are my friend.

Forever and Always,

I will let you know if I am brave enough to see "The Cove" about the Japanese treatment of dolphins, secretly filmed. I love dolphins and don't like to see the suffering of any living creature human or animal. Just seeing "Taxi to the Dark Side" brought me to my knees. It was the documentary that showed the excesses of torture at Abu Grab Prison. It was painful and brought home the awareness of what war does to people on all sides of it. I am often asked how I can see documentaries,like this which are so harsh and brutal. After giving it some thought I came to the awareness that for me it is a reminder of the importance of standing up against injustice of any kind. I hope I will never become complacent about it. I pray that in my own small way way I will do what I can. My prayers for peace, justice, courage and love go out to all you.