More about Patti 2

For the next ten years we ran Bedrock Music together. We worked together, three or four days a week, and on our off time we spent in the hills walking our beloved dogs. I believe, that Patti loved dogs more than people with the exception of me. Even if that isn't totally true, I know she loved and trusted me completely as I did her. In fact I told her more about myself than I have ever revealed to anyone and I think she did the same. Her mom told me how Patti as a child could not stand to see an animal hurt in any way. She used to carry dead birds home and bury them in her back yard. We once went to see the documentary "The Parrots of Telegraph Hill" There are a flock of wild parrots that live in San Francisco and this was a documentary about a man who cared for them. There was a scene of a hawk, swooping down, to capture and kill one. I looked over at Patti who had dissolved into tears. That was the kind of heart she had about animals. I do not, however, want to give you the wrong impression about her, she was also the strongest woman, and the most psychologically healthy woman I have ever known. She had the ability to both cut through the bullshit to get to the heart of the matter and then offer her deep compassionate heart to help. She could be tough when she had to be and to get through four surgeries and three rounds of chemotherapy with no complaining showed how strong she could be. She handled everything with a grace unknown to most. She shaped my life in ways she could not have known and touched my heart and soul just as deeply. When I used to go over to be with her when she was terminally ill, she would say, "Everyone will do fine without me, but I am the most worried about you. It is as though we have shared a soul this lifetime and it is being torn in two." She could not have been more correct. She died reaching out to me and I washed her body and waited until they came to take her. Three days later I went with her body to be cremated. I just didn't want her to be alone. She would have done the same for me. She was more than a blessing to me, she was my other half. Our edges joined up perfectly. Its been almost three years since she died, but not a day goes by where I am not reminded of her in some wonderful way. Everyone should be as lucky!

For My Patti

"I've been traveling down this river,so many rocks pop up in my sight. I got to make some quick decisions should I go left or should I go right. I pray for guidance and protection to keep my boat water tight. And I know if I just keep on believing every little thing all gonna turn out right. But when I wake up in the morning I hope I see you in the light.... and the loveliness and tenderness and happiness and togetherness and openness. When vampires gather round me angling in to take a bite. They want to drink my blood of courage and try to take away my fight But no no no they can't do that for one truth I learned in life if you want to scare away the vampires you simply take them into the light. And when my time is over I did some right I did some wrong. Call my name to kingdom come and spread my wings in flight and I hope that when my day is over I hope I see you in the light. In the mornin, in the mornin your loveliness, tenderness, hopefulness,and your happiness. Michael Franti "See You In the Light"Even while Patti was still alive we knew the importance of this song. It you don't know Michael Franti It is on his CD "Yell Fire" It was the first song I played at Patti's memorial service. Its not easy to write about your closest friend, your sister and the person who impacted your life more than any other, but I would like to try. The original founder and owner of Bedrock Music in San Rafael was Barry Baum. He and I were best friends, we spent a lot of time together going to movies, concerts and trivia nights at the Mayflower Pub in San Rafael. Naturally out team was called the Bedrockers. We loved each other very much, but it was not a romance,which in my experience has been kind of an unusual. We went together to see the movie "When Harry met Sally". There was a part in the movie where Billy Crystal says to Meg Ryan "When men and women are friends, what it means is the man does not find her attractive" We had a good laugh over that line. In 1996, when Barry was 39, he was diagnosed with colon cancer. He asked me if I could work in the store while he was in the hospital. I worked there with five other men who often asked me to fill in for them when they wanted to follow the Grateful Dead. I loved working in the store. I thought I knew a lot about music but I learned so much more and ended up working there for twelve years. I took Barry for his chemo treatments and visited him almost daily. His parents used to call me the "Day Angel" and said there was also a "Night Angel", but I had no idea who that person was. One Saturday I stopped by to see him and there was a beautiful woman in the hospital bed with him. They were eating pizza and watching a DVD. I found her charming. That was the beginning of my 12 year long friendship with Patti which changed both of our lives in ways we could never imagine. It was the most loving, the most important and the best relationship of both our lives. We were more like sisters than friends. And in the end I was able to help her die at home with what I hope was a little more peace that she might have had. She died reaching out to me. She had more grace, integrity and love than anyone I have ever known. She died January 16 2007. Her death was devastating to me and I am so grateful that I am finally able to look back at our relationship with joy and laughter, rather than a gut wrenching grief. Patti and Barry only shared 16 months together. I went with them to Tahoe when they got married. She loved him so much. She was 43 and Barry was her only husband. They got married in September and he died in January. She loved him, took care of him and helped him die at home. She gave me so much credit for helping her in every way. I once read a letter she wrote to an inmate at San Quentin who she visited on Sundays. It was the story of our friendship called "Sisters" and she wrote about how I used to douse her pillow with lavender oil to comfort her and help her sleep I have no memory of this at all, I only remember being so worried about how thin and frail she was. Her parents who came from Michigan to help her, stayed for a week after Barry died, then she asked them to leave. He had left her the music store and she wanted to get started. She walked in a week after he died and fired every employee except for me and Tony Palmer. For the next ten years we three ran the store. She was smart, a good businesswoman with a basic knowledge of music. She actually managed the store better than Barry, but he did know more about music. She was, however, a quick learner. One day I was helping a customer when she came up and asked me who did the theme from "Hawaii 5-0. I nonchalantly told her "The Ventures". When I turned around to ask her something she was gone, and she didn't return for three hours When she came back as only Patti could say it she said "I have no business running a music store I don't know anything about music." My heart just filled, as it always did, with love for her.

More about Darell

Just a post script to my story about Darrell. I asked him is when he and his father were cell mates did he finally get to know him, which is what he wanted all along to know and be accepted by his dad. He answered "no". Good night my friend who doesn't know he has any softness in his heart. I believe in you and believe you do! Have a good night....

I spoke to the editor of Marin Magazine and we are going to get together next week to discuss a talk about the possibility of his magazine doing a story about the positive side of San Quentin. There is a huge positive side and great journalistic potential.

Tonight's story from the "Q" is about Darrell. Darrell grew up in Oakland, without really knowing his father. He was raised by his mother. His mother had relationships that were abusive and violent so he saw a lot of negativity and violence while growing up. He also felt helpless when he was young to intervene when his mother was being physically assaulted by her boyfriends. This was very hard for him to deal with. In spite of it he was a really good kid, got good grades played sports and by the time he was 19 he had his own carpet cleaning business and was doing very well. His father came back into his life at this time and Darrell was so anxious to have a relationship with him he let him talk him into robbing a bank. Darrell had never been in any trouble before. When they robbed the bank a teller was moved from her post inside the bank to the outside. Darrell and his father were charged with robbery and kidnap and were both given a life sentences. Before coming to San Quentin, he spent time with his father as a cellmate in Pelican Bay a level four prison and one of the worst prisons in California. He invited me to attend the SQUIRES program. He has been very active in this program as well as many other programs such as the T.R.U.S.T, an acronym for "teaching responsibility using sociological techniques". It is a year long program where men look deeply into their own lives and also have the opportunity to learn practical things that will help them when they are released. He also is involved in the I.M.P.A.C.T programs which stands for "immature men putting away childish things". The S.Q.U.I.R.E.S program is designed to help at risk kids to understand that there is nothing cool about being in a gang activity or being in prison. A segment of the Dr.Phil program was filmed with two young men brought into San Quentin because of their habitual crimes and drug habits. Young men are brought in for a two day intensive counseling program to both help them get more in touch with their own feelings as well as understand that being in jail is not something they should aspire too. I was very impressed with the program when I went through. I was impressed with the men's skills at breaking down the barriers and defenses the young men had and getting them to talk. He invited to attend the Protestant Chapel with him which I did for three years. He was also in my Positive Attitude Group for life prisoners. He has worked very hard while he has been down to both keep a positive attitude and be a member of many self help groups. On Sundays he often preaches and he is a wonderful speaker, he speaks to his own experience and what he learned as part of his own transformation. He has both self confidence and a great attitude. His honesty and courage are well known at San Quentin. I learned one thing about him while I was there if you ask him a question expect a direct and honest answer. I personally find that to be a wonderful attribute. He continues to be denied parole, even though he has never been in any trouble while he has been there and some of his ideas are being incorporated into youth programs outside. I don't know how he does it but stays positive about his release. I feel he will be released and when he is will contribute a great deal to our society. He tutors young men in both their classes and their spiritual lives. He lives a very spiritual life. It is my opinion that a man, imprisoned, has the opportunity to either sink to the lowest level or rise to the highest. He has risen to the highest! I feel blessed to know him.

A note on a cool CD its a first release for a half Irish and half Nigerian soul singer named Laura Ibizio. She is very soulful, a little like India Arie. My prayers and blessings go out to all of you and special prayers for the "Men of Blue." You are in my heart.

Two things happened today that made me very happy! Two Fairfax film makers, twin brothers. Noah and Logan Miller contacted me to let me know they would be willing to go into San Quentin and talk to the San Quentin Film School. Seven men participated in the program where they learned the techniques of film making and each made a film. The film school was featured on the Discovery Channel and the mens' films were shown. Noah and Logan are exceptional young men for many reasons. They not only got a movie made, they also wrote a book, which I highly recommend called "You''re either in or in the way. They grew up in Fairfax under not the most ideal circumstances. Their dad was an alcoholic and their mother worked very hard to support them working as a waitress and a gardener.. They are gifted athletes who had dreams of playing the majors. They are identical twins. You can read much more about them if you go to their website www.inorintheway.com. Because of their grit and persistence with no financial backing they were able to get the film made but got Ed Harris to play the part of their father in their movie. The name of their movie is "Touching Home" and it was a tribute to their father. After living homeless, having countless arrests for alcohol related misdemeanors, he died in the Marin County Jail. The two young men promised they would make a movie about him. This promise started on an amazing journey, which they describe in their book I have known them for many years. They love our mutual home town of Fairfax as much as I do. I called them to see if they would be willing to go into San Quentin and talk to the men. Their are several men in there who are technically skilled filmmakers but Noah and Logan will be able to give some great advice and help. When I approached going there they could not have been more willing. Their movie was premiered at the Rafael theater in San Rafael to a sold out audience of friends, family and supporters. It was also shown at 3 Com Park in San Francisco. I always tell them I am their biggest fan! Their expertise and experience will be of such value to the men of the Q. The other good news is that the editor of Marin Magazine in a response to the letter I wrote him about the win win situation of selling San Quentin called and wants to do an article about San Quentin for Marin Magazine. I am looking forward to talking to him, and getting out some positive information about the men who I have worked with at San Quentin. Tonight I would like to write from my future book, (if I ever write it) "Stories from the Q: Stories of Hope, Courage and Inspiration>" I have never met anyone who goes into San Quentin who doesn't feel the same as I do that they gain much more from the experience than they could ever give.Someone I would like to write about tonight was a member of the Positive Attitude for Life Prisoners which I was a co- -facilitator. one night This group was based on the principles and attitudes of the Center for Attitudinal Healing founded by Gerald Jamplosky. We started each group by reading those principles and attitudes, went around the circle for a quick check in and then it was open time. The group provided a safe place for men to share their feelings and concerns. When a man spoke during open time, no one was allowed to either interrupt him or offer advice. It was a wonderful place to learn about being a good listener. One night a man broke down and talked about his loneliness and despair. I cried right along with him. I was so moved by what he had shared, I spoke to my best friend, Patti, who, because of her compassionate heart, thought would make a wonderful visitor for him. Patti and I ran a music store together for ten years and I have never felt closer to anyone than her. The next day I spoke to her about the possibility of visiting my friend and after they exchanged letters and she was cleared to visit, she visited him up until the time she was so weak, I had to practically carry her from the visiting room to the car. That was in November 2006, she died of ovarian cancer in January of 2007. Her light and love changed his life. Although he was and still is devastated by her death, she opened his broken heart and helped him heal. He speaks about her to as many groups at San Quentin as he can and lets me know how grateful he is for sending him "an angel". Before Patti came into his life he was reclusive and angry. He came to San Francisco from Mississippi and was so country that his nickname was "sho enuf". He got into a bar room fight. The man hit his head on the floor and died. The first trial ended in a hung jury, but the second one found him guilty. He has been "down" for 27 years. His willingness to come to the positive attitude group and to express is deepest heart is beautiful. I am grateful to know him. I would like to share a letter I received from. It meant a lot to me:

My True Friend Suzi,

If I could have any friend in the world that I wanted, I would pick you. Now let me tell you why! It is because you are something special and very caring. You chose to be friend when there was no one else. And then you gave me Patti. Thoughts of her have no ending. I can't think about her without thinking of you. You are what Patti and I had in common. I hope you have been receiving my letters. Instead of always writing you about doom and gloom, I have been having these wonderful thoughts lately and I just wanted to share them with you. I hope you like the card I had made for you, because this is exactly how I feel about you. ( The card says "What a friend I Have in You." I've been experiencing a lot of joy lately about you and Patti. When people ask me about the heart you gave me, I show them a picture of you and Patti. I hope you don't mind. You two are such beautiful people it just fill me with pride and joy to say "these two women are my friends." Even though Patti is no longer here with us in body, just knowing her and having her visit me gives me "braggin rights". Whenever Patti and I got together we always talked about you. How buff you are and your tattoos. I saw that you had Patti's name tattooed on your arm. She and I loved you so much. Before I run out of space I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you constantly and I am so proud that you are my friend.

Forever and Always,

I will let you know if I am brave enough to see "The Cove" about the Japanese treatment of dolphins, secretly filmed. I love dolphins and don't like to see the suffering of any living creature human or animal. Just seeing "Taxi to the Dark Side" brought me to my knees. It was the documentary that showed the excesses of torture at Abu Grab Prison. It was painful and brought home the awareness of what war does to people on all sides of it. I am often asked how I can see documentaries,like this which are so harsh and brutal. After giving it some thought I came to the awareness that for me it is a reminder of the importance of standing up against injustice of any kind. I hope I will never become complacent about it. I pray that in my own small way way I will do what I can. My prayers for peace, justice, courage and love go out to all you.

I am very excited about my blog. There are many things I would like to address and they are as eclectic as I am. My passions are music movies and prison reform and trying to live a spiritual life in a confusing and difficult time.living the spiritual life in a world where this is not always easy! I just finished a letter to the editor of Marin Magazine, explaining to him why selling San Quentin was not a great idea. I will paraphrase it for you. San Quentin is the only prison in the bay area offers the inmates chances for rehabilitation. No other prison has the kind of programs, classes and opportunities than San Quentin does There are more volunteers coming into San Quentin than any other prison and more chance, because of its location for people to come visit. The idea of building prisons in remote areas where there are no programs and no chance for visitation, and the recidivism rate, I believe, would be even higher than it is. I have a lot to say on the subject and will!. Best American movie of the year so far,for me, is Public Enemy. Johny Depp's performance was a blend of subtlety and grandiose swagger. He seems to have the ability to do a range of roles with grace. I think he is one of the finest of American actors. I loved the look of the movie. Being about John Dillinger it was set in the 1930's The clothes, the look, even down to the sunglasses he wore were carefully chosen. My only complaint would be was that it was a little long. Other than that I found it flawless. Being a movie buff I try to see as many as a can. Its a mix between American, documentaries and foreign films. Best documentary so far, for me is Food Inc. You might never drink a coke or eat chicken again. High fructose corn syrup is in everything. Corn is the biggest crop of this country, and the second is soy beans. The process of making soy milk is extremely toxic and there are only two brands, one being Eden Soy, that are safe to drink. We, Americans, are really not privy to a lot of information regarding our food, but I do feel people are becoming more conscious and demanding more information. Two tips from the movies were buy local and grow your own food. Tip for a good unheard CD is the new one by Paolo Nuttini. I worked at a music store in Marin County for ten years which was a great experience and I volunteered at San Quentin for four. For the last ten years I have been a care taker and have a lot of stories. Much more to follow